EMPATHY – THE HIDDEN TREASURE OF COMMUNICATION

EMPATHY – THE ABILITY TO PUT YOURSELF IN SOMEONE ELSE’S SHOES

I was walking home, thinking about a loved one that I was missing. I was thinking, I hope they know how very much I love them.  And I realised something, something pretty profound that honestly has taken me most of my adult life to realise.

And that is – they may not know the extent to which I love them. Because I don’t express love the way they do. This is very hurtful to me, because this person deserves to know how much I love them and whilst I try to express it, they don’t know how to receive it and vice versa.

About 5 years ago, I was at a work conference which was all about customer service.The presenter at this conference diverged and recommended a book called, The 5 Love Languages. At the time I was going through my own personal struggles so I noted it down and one day when I was feeling pretty desperate I ordered it and read it.

For those who know me well, they know this is pretty significant, I’m not a big book reader, unless it’s of the textbook variety. I actually hate to admit it, because I love writing, and language and words and I envy people who read long, juicy novels. I do long for a balmy, sun filled, tropical holiday where there is just me, the sun, my love and a juicy book. One day …

I will skip ahead to current day and spare you the details of how all that turned out but it is kind of coincidental that some years after this conference and in a different time in my life I was chatting with a friend, who I respect very much and has a beautiful relationship with his wife, and he mentioned this same book.

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The book explores the concept that we have 5 basic love languages:

1. Words of affirmation

2. Quality time

3. Physical touch

4. Acts of service

5. Giving and receiving gifts

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I am sure there is a lot more psychology behind why we are inclined to fit into these particular categories and the book probably covers this (it’s been 5 years since I read it). But what is important to realise is that most of us are a mixture of different types of languages but generally we have one or two dominant love languages.

Sounding a bit hippy, crunchy? At the time I thought so too. But now, a little older, a little wiser and maybe a little more hippyer – I actually think it’s pretty significant. Hence, why I am divulging this somewhat lengthy, possibly corny, love story with you.

My Love Languages are clear – I feel most loved through quality time and physical touch and/or words of affirmation, I crave them. Lucky for me, Jan from day one gave me an overwhelming amount of this, making me feel instantly loved.  I haven’t asked him directly what his are but intuitively I make sure I am giving plenty of words of affirmation and physical touch. So far things are working well 🙂 But maybe after he reads this, he can tell me how I am doing in filling his love meter.

For us we are definitely a strong mix of those THREE. And they flow naturally from us so it seems to work. However, like all couples when life gets busy or you are caught up in your own stuff or other people’s stuff then your expression of these things can get compromised. That’s when someone needs to recognise it and show up and start giving out more love.

Unfortunately most couples/parents/children do the opposite and actually stop giving out love because they aren’t feeling loved. This creates a sad, vicious cycles of no one feeling cared for. And really who wants that for their loved one?

Jan and I both aren’t big on giving and receiving gifts or acts of service. Although at times Jan may wish I was more expressive of my acts of service around the kitchen or laundry :).

What prompted me to share this was I recently read a blog from Melissa Ambrosini, the guru in, self love, and she mentioned the book (this was now the third time it had made its way into my life) and her positive experiences with it.

And whilst it may not save a relationship it certainly does give you some insight into the intricacies of how people express and receive love.

For example, if you are someone like me, who tends not to place as much value or express love via acts of service or giving and receiving gifts, paired upped with someone who expresses love via doing these things and also feels loved via receiving these , there is going to be a disconnect.

It is very likely that the quality time and the physical touch that I am trying so desperately to give to show my love is not getting the message across the way they need to feel loved. And this realisation, makes me cry.

But today I realised it, and I now I can try.

Love is at the heart of our being. When we give it; when we receive it; we are better humans.

Love Chantel

IS HEALTHY EATING MAKING YOU SICK?

This article explores an emerging condition, not well talked about termed Orthorexia – it is defined as an unhealthy obsession with healthy food.

I think it is important to raise awareness about this in light of the healthy eating movement that is amongst us. Especially because the most influenced people are younger females, much like myself.

As the article explores it can be an easy trap to fall into – you start eating healthy, start exercising, your body starts to change for the better and before you know it, all your girlfriends are envious of your body and telling you how good you look.

Finally, you feel confident enough to start posting selfies in your bikini, with a green smoothie of course and the explosion of comments on social media lifts your spirit. This scenario is very common. And is saddens me for a few reasons.

     1. In the early days, it did happen to me. Luckily I have a straight talking husband who doesn’t mind giving me a slap in the face (not literally) and tellingme when I am being “too much or too crazy”. There is a saying that helped me a lot: “It is better to eat the wrong food with the right attitude than eat the right food with the wrong attitude.”

     2. The importance that we as females place on our body image and how consuming it is.

If only we placed the same about of importance and got the same amount of attention for our unique ability, be it our intelligence, our creativity, our caring nature, our generosity, our humour, whatever else it is that makes us who we really are.

We all have unique things to offer the world. Everyone of us. You just have to find out what it is you value in life.

You can be a good wife, a good mother, a great writer, have a beautiful voice, be giving, be caring, be loving, make a real difference and leave a huge mark in peoples lives.

Do you get it – you aren’t good legs, nice but, shiny hair. They are a part of you but they don’t have to define you. You are much more than that. You just have to believe it. And that sometimes requires consistent work on yourself.

Or if you are lucky enough, like me to have some straight talking, best friend that sees you for more than your exterior, you have to start listening to them. They LOVE and SEE you in a different light.

The people who really matter will love you regardless of how you look. Remember that, don’t shrug it off. Because life if full of tragedy and joy. And it is short. So if you are consumed with your appearance life is going to whiz on by while you are still looking in the mirror. And in the end people don’t miss someone with a nice body they miss “that” person who was something so much more to them.

     3. Diet/Food/Nutrition is not the wholly grail for health. 

Don’t get me wrong I post my food – for a reason. I DO NOT want to show off my bone broth/my kitchen/or myself to make you feel worse about yourself, quite the opposite actually (P.S. If this happens to you, I highly suggest to unfollow me and those else who make you feel this way and concentrate on yourself, I truly mean this, comparing yourself to others on social media is a total waste of time).

I want to inspire and give people tools and ideas to create healthy meals for themselves and their family. Because food is a necessity for our survival. And when we get it right for our body it has the ability to nourish and allow us to flourish.

However nutrition is one of many pillars to create optimal HEALTH -and one that is getting a lot of attention. But let’s not forget about the other equally important PILLARS to health – Like SLEEP, RECOVERY, MOVEMENT, PLEASURE, STRESS MANAGEMENT, FUN, PLAY and SOCIAL CONNECTION.

These things also dictate and have a direct effect on positive or negative outcomes in your body.  So please keep a balance. If you find yourself obsessing over food and exercise maybe reevaluate what is really important in life and ask for help.

     4. Health is so much more than EAT WELL ,TRAIN MORE, REPEAT. 

I recently read an alternative definition of what “health” really is from Chris Kresser that I really love.

“Health is: the ability to live your dreams.”

I love it – Plain and simple. What more can we really strive for.

Love
Chantel

A LIFE CHANGING MOMENT

When Jan asked me if i wanted to share some of my knowledge on his blog I was nervous and a little apprehensive as to where to start. What information can I (a fresh pharmacist living in the Whitsunday’s) give that people can be interested in I asked. I thought a good place to start and test out my blogging skills was to give you a little insight into my experience with health and fitness…

When growing up as a young female I guess I was considered somewhat lucky by my female friends as I was always on the slimmer side and never really had to watch what I ate. In saying this I was extremely lucky that my mum had always ensured we ate home cooked food and therefore it was instilled at a very young age that processed food and take away was not good for us. Thanks Mum.

Despite not having to worry about being overweight  I did still have to deal with some other emotional and hormonal imbalances that manifested themselves as acne, irritable bowel and my least favourite “stress”. The reason I say my least favourite  is this. Stress =increased cortisol=fat redistribution=a chubbier mid section (along with many other health problems). More on cortisol to come in later blogs …

UNIVERSITY

Next chapter was university. Cortisol was not my friend once again. The pressure of study, exams, tight finances, and being away from home (missing mums cooking and cleaning) ultimately allowed for a decline in my nutrition and fitness. Food consisted of mostly quick and easy packet meals (pasta, noodles), salad wraps or left over meals like curried sausages, pasta, stir fry and snack food for procrastinating (muesli bars,rice crackers, chips, lollies). Exercise consisted of walking three times a week.

Somehow I managed to avoid any major physical manifestations of the  “the uni bulge” however it was during this time that I started to develop chronic psoriasis, worsening of my acne, diarrhoea after most meals, a feeling of mental and physical exhaustion and became an emotional roller coaster. At this time, I attributed most of these symptoms to being in a stressful environment. And to some degree this was partly the problem. I did manage to graduate with a Bachelor of Pharmacy and moved home to start work with a strong drive to get back on track with my health.
I started working and got a mortgage… To which I discovered more cortisol. Perfect just what my body needed. I did however manage to get what I thought was back on track with my nutrition and exercise. I was cooking from raw ingredients (thanks to my thermomix) such as raw sugar, flour, eggs, milk to make most of my meals and snacks, rarely eating out or buying pre made foods and I joined the gym. I was attending classes as often as I could on my days off as I was not a morning person and finished too late in the afternoons. This sometimes meant doing two or three classes a day. I thought this was a good thing although I remember feeling tired and exhausted on these days but I believed I had worked hard and deserved to feel this way. This routine gave me very little time for relaxing and enjoying free time for myself. Even worse and more frustrating was that all my symptoms (dry, flaky inflamed skin, pimples, diarrhoea, stress) continued to worsen.

At this stage I was getting quite desperate and started seeking help. I went to doctors for which I was prescribed cortisone creams and oral corticosteroids which controlled but did not eliminate my psoriasis. I saw a naturopath and started taking natural supplements like krill oil and another hundred or so dollars worth of pills and applied a variety of creams to my skin. After 4 months of this tiring routine with little improvements I had had enough. I stopped all of it. I tried to eliminate some of the stress in my life, starting with working less hours and focussing on myself and creating time for me. And this is were the story gets interesting ….

It started with a man, as every good story does. Jan approached me at a gym outdoor training session where he chatted with me about training. He offered a free initial session to which I accepted as at this stage I was feeling bored and dissatisfied with my current training schedule. He got me at the initial session with his passion, belief, knowledge and enthusiasm about his style of training and way of life. I started training three times a week. He introduced me to some completely new concepts like foam rolling, mobility, the importance of fascia, recovery, the concept of less is more, effective weight training, sprinting, Paleo nutrition and seriously so much more. I believed in his concept straight away, which to this day still surprises me as I am a cautious person and always question things, but I saw in him a confidence and surety that made me believe. The best decision of my life to date…

My training completely changed. I changed my routine to train in the morning (tough to change this habit but definitely achievable). I train less (2 or 3 times a week) and for shorter intervals. I can lift weights I have never before without feeling intimidated, I can move and coordinate my body better than I ever could. I feel energised after each session, never tired or in pain. I spend less time exercising and more time enjoying life. Of course there were times where I struggled with this transition wanting to train more, push harder but when I allowed myself to trust the concept I reassured myself I was on the right path.

My nutrition consists of tasty whole foods that provide me with good quailty protein (grass fed meat/seafood), good fat (coconut oil/butter, avocado…) and natural good carbs (fruit and veg) with little or no refined/processed food. Eating this way has allowed me to see improvements in my acne, psoriasis and diarrhoea. Eliminating chocolates, chips, cakes, pastries, sandwiches, pasta, rice, oats, cereals, milk etc, overall has not been difficult for me. I think it is because I enjoy cooking, preparing and eating food that I know is tasty, nutritious and satisfying for my needs.
I have more time for myself and enjoying life. I am a firm believer that if you take a moment to stop and invest time in yourself, be it your health, your appearance, your attitude, your stress and take action steps to improve yourself everything else in your life will significantly improve. We only get one chance to live so why not make the choices that ensure it is a long and happy time.
Whole body integrated movements, primal/wholefood style nutrition and managing stress has allowed me to clear my skin conditions completely, change my body composition which looks much leaner and more defined, given me more energy, reduce my stress, improve my mood and ultimately given me a more enjoyable, healthier life. What more could I ask for…
Well there is one more thing…true love of course! Along this journey I was lucky enough to find this but that’s for another one thousand words…

Thank you Jan for believing in me. X